I submitted this screenplay to Demian Linn prior to his departure from 1UP and I held hope that the screenplay might be turned into an episode of the 1UP Yours Show. Matt Chandronait tells me that it won't be used leaving me free to post it on my blog. (It has a surprise ending and I wouldn't want to ruin it if it was going to be used on the 1UP Show.) It was setup as a finale episode, so keep that in mind, and written purely as a creative exercise to keep my brain active. (And please forgive the formatting!)
So, here we go!
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – SHANE BETTENHAUSEN’S OFFICE – DAY
DONAHOE crouches at SHANE BETTENHAUSEN’s desk, rummaging through the detritus and tchotckes underneath the desk.
DONAHOE
He said it was here. How the hell does Shane find anything in this mess?
SHANE walks into the office housing his desk.
SHANE
You’re going to clean that stuff up, right?
DONAHOE
(frustrated) .
Where the fuck is it, Shane?
SHANE
It’s there. Keep looking. And clean my shit up when you’ve found it.
SHANE walks out of the office.
DONAHOE
(angry) .
Fuck! I’m not seeing it anywhere!
DONAHOE shoves another pile of debris out of the way and finds a badly tarnished brass lamp. On the lamp is a small nameplate.
DONAHOE
What the fuck does he have this for?
DONAHOE holds up the lamp to take a closer look at it.
DONAHOE
Some writing… can’t read it.
DONAHOE rubs the lamp on the lower part of his shirt. Simon Cox walks by and sees DONAHOE apparently masturbating in SHANE’s office due to the angle Simon sees DONAHOE. Simon shakes his head. On the clipboard Simon is carrying he makes a check mark on a page headed “Employee Evaluation: Michael Donahoe” beside a box titled “Masturbating at Work” and continues down the hall.
There is a sudden flash of light and a puff of smoke.
CRISPIN BOYER appears in SHANE’s chair.
DONAHOE
(surprised) .
What. The. Fuck. Crispin?
CRISPIN
(very relaxed) .
Call me Genie. You get three wishes. Make ‘em good ones.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Three wishes? Awesome! I wish I had the fucking thing I was looking for!
There is another flash. CRISPIN is gone and a copy of Cho Aniki appears on the chair.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Fuck yeah!
CUT TO BLACK
[TITLES & GAME STUFF]
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE sits in his chair with his feet on his desk, while sipping something from a cup.
DONAHOE
(contented) .
Two more wishes… what should I wish for? Money? Power? Women? I haven’t heard Ryan Scott say “Hell, yeah” in a week. Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t. After this I’ll only have, uh,”
DONAHOE sits up and scribbles some numbers on a pad of paper. He taps a few buttons on a calculator.
DONAHOE (CONT’D)
One wish left.
DONAHOE looks thoughtful for a moment then shrugs.
DONAHOE
I wish Ryan Scott would say, “Hell, yeah.”
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – RYAN SCOTT’S CUBICLE – DAY
RYAN SCOTT suddenly drops his pen.
RYAN SCOTT
(with satisfaction) .
Hell, yeah.
RYAN SCOTT picks up his pen, looking slightly confused.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE
(angry) .
Shit! I should have wished to hear it! I’ve only got one lousy wish left!
Hearing DONAHOE from a few cubicles away, MATT CHANDRONAIT leaves his desk and arrives in DONAHOE’s cubicle.
MATT
(whispering) .
Dude, you found Shane’s lamp?
DONAHOE
Yeah. And I found out Crispin was a fucking genie. I always wondered where he got all his cool shit.
MATT
(whispering) .
I heard you say you only have one wish left. Let me give you a tip. Wish for the object of your affection. I wasted my last wish on getting some cool glasses. Don’t do what I did.
MATT walks back to his desk.
DONAHOE
The object of my affection? You mean, like, besides Darth Vader? Hmmmm.
DONAHOE has a flashback of Maggie Q; humping a car; and holding a copy of Robocop.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Yes! The object of my affection! For my last wish, I wish for the object of my affection!
A blinding white light envelops the entire cubicle.
FADE TO WHITE
[GAME STUFF]
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – DEMO ROOM – DAY
David Ellis and Ryan O’Donnell are playing a game [GAME STUFF] in the demo room when a white flash envelops the room as they near the end of their conversation.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – MEN’S WASHROOM – DAY
The white flash envelops Nick Suttner as he stands at a urinal
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PHILIP KOLLAR’S CUBICLE – DAY
The white flash envelops Philip Kollar as he types at his desk
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – GALLEY KITCHEN – DAY
The white flash envelops Alice Liang and Tina Sanchez as they make tea.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – SIMON COX’S OFFICE – DAY
The white flash envelops Simon Cox as he completes DONAHOE’s employee evaluation with the words, “Recommend psychiatric evaluation.”
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PODCAST STUDIO – DAY
The white flash envelops the Retronaut regulars as they prepare for their podcast.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE
(orgasmic) .
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the best day ever!
JEFF GREEN
(confused) .
How the hell did I get here?
[1UP SHOW CREDITS]
DONAHOE crouches at SHANE BETTENHAUSEN’s desk, rummaging through the detritus and tchotckes underneath the desk.
DONAHOE
He said it was here. How the hell does Shane find anything in this mess?
SHANE walks into the office housing his desk.
SHANE
You’re going to clean that stuff up, right?
DONAHOE
(frustrated) .
Where the fuck is it, Shane?
SHANE
It’s there. Keep looking. And clean my shit up when you’ve found it.
SHANE walks out of the office.
DONAHOE
(angry) .
Fuck! I’m not seeing it anywhere!
DONAHOE shoves another pile of debris out of the way and finds a badly tarnished brass lamp. On the lamp is a small nameplate.
DONAHOE
What the fuck does he have this for?
DONAHOE holds up the lamp to take a closer look at it.
DONAHOE
Some writing… can’t read it.
DONAHOE rubs the lamp on the lower part of his shirt. Simon Cox walks by and sees DONAHOE apparently masturbating in SHANE’s office due to the angle Simon sees DONAHOE. Simon shakes his head. On the clipboard Simon is carrying he makes a check mark on a page headed “Employee Evaluation: Michael Donahoe” beside a box titled “Masturbating at Work” and continues down the hall.
There is a sudden flash of light and a puff of smoke.
CRISPIN BOYER appears in SHANE’s chair.
DONAHOE
(surprised) .
What. The. Fuck. Crispin?
CRISPIN
(very relaxed) .
Call me Genie. You get three wishes. Make ‘em good ones.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Three wishes? Awesome! I wish I had the fucking thing I was looking for!
There is another flash. CRISPIN is gone and a copy of Cho Aniki appears on the chair.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Fuck yeah!
CUT TO BLACK
[TITLES & GAME STUFF]
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE sits in his chair with his feet on his desk, while sipping something from a cup.
DONAHOE
(contented) .
Two more wishes… what should I wish for? Money? Power? Women? I haven’t heard Ryan Scott say “Hell, yeah” in a week. Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t. After this I’ll only have, uh,”
DONAHOE sits up and scribbles some numbers on a pad of paper. He taps a few buttons on a calculator.
DONAHOE (CONT’D)
One wish left.
DONAHOE looks thoughtful for a moment then shrugs.
DONAHOE
I wish Ryan Scott would say, “Hell, yeah.”
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – RYAN SCOTT’S CUBICLE – DAY
RYAN SCOTT suddenly drops his pen.
RYAN SCOTT
(with satisfaction) .
Hell, yeah.
RYAN SCOTT picks up his pen, looking slightly confused.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE
(angry) .
Shit! I should have wished to hear it! I’ve only got one lousy wish left!
Hearing DONAHOE from a few cubicles away, MATT CHANDRONAIT leaves his desk and arrives in DONAHOE’s cubicle.
MATT
(whispering) .
Dude, you found Shane’s lamp?
DONAHOE
Yeah. And I found out Crispin was a fucking genie. I always wondered where he got all his cool shit.
MATT
(whispering) .
I heard you say you only have one wish left. Let me give you a tip. Wish for the object of your affection. I wasted my last wish on getting some cool glasses. Don’t do what I did.
MATT walks back to his desk.
DONAHOE
The object of my affection? You mean, like, besides Darth Vader? Hmmmm.
DONAHOE has a flashback of Maggie Q; humping a car; and holding a copy of Robocop.
DONAHOE
(excited) .
Yes! The object of my affection! For my last wish, I wish for the object of my affection!
A blinding white light envelops the entire cubicle.
FADE TO WHITE
[GAME STUFF]
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – DEMO ROOM – DAY
David Ellis and Ryan O’Donnell are playing a game [GAME STUFF] in the demo room when a white flash envelops the room as they near the end of their conversation.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – MEN’S WASHROOM – DAY
The white flash envelops Nick Suttner as he stands at a urinal
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PHILIP KOLLAR’S CUBICLE – DAY
The white flash envelops Philip Kollar as he types at his desk
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – GALLEY KITCHEN – DAY
The white flash envelops Alice Liang and Tina Sanchez as they make tea.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – SIMON COX’S OFFICE – DAY
The white flash envelops Simon Cox as he completes DONAHOE’s employee evaluation with the words, “Recommend psychiatric evaluation.”
INT. ZIFF DAVIS 1UP OFFICES – PODCAST STUDIO – DAY
The white flash envelops the Retronaut regulars as they prepare for their podcast.
INT. ZIFF DAVIS/1UP OFFICES – MICHAEL DONAHOE’S CUBICLE – DAY
DONAHOE
(orgasmic) .
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the best day ever!
JEFF GREEN
(confused) .
How the hell did I get here?
[1UP SHOW CREDITS]
[1UP SHOW CREDITS - Possibly using the 1UP Orchestral Theme with a tip of the hat to all the 1UP writers that have left this year.]
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