Monday, August 13, 2012

In My Other Life I'm Emperor of the Universe

It's not exactly the feeling that I was meant for something greater -- some alternate Aaron is probably enjoying being Emperor of the Universe -- but there's definitely the feeling I was meant to be doing something else.

It's kind of a dangerous thing to admit because people tend to jump to conclusions about what that something else is or what spurred the thought in the first place.

Sometimes, it's just a feeling, something that lurks just beneath the soul line. Sometimes I see ripples.

Did I just see that? Is that the thing I should be doing? Is that the one thing?

And what do I do to catch that thing? Wait until it leaps up and lands in my boat? Bait a hook and trawl along? Next time I see the ripples, leap into the opaque water with fingers outstretched?

Of course, it's much more complicated than just those three options -- or even deciding to take one of those options -- so I'm kind of left sitting in the boat feeling that there's something there. Not quite sure what.

There is the danger that at 35-years old I'm entering some kind of pre-mid-life crisis. I've always done things out of sequence and out of step from most of the rest of the world, so this actually wouldn't surprise me. It might also have to do with a my son's recent birthday, which (on paper) officially launched my wife and I into another bracket: Parents of a Teenager.

Not terrifying by any means, though it grants a certain amount of anxiety surrounding a double-digit percentarge increase of our food bill every month. The thing it does is get me thinking about the past, present, future. What am I doing now about securing some kind of future? What did I do in the past to bring me to this point? Recognizing what could have been done better; what other choices could have been made for my family and me? All of that kind of tumbles together and winds up in the small of my back in a big knot -- stabbing pain a constant reminder of this roiling. It's a little bit of turmoil. It's difficult to let it go -- let the thoughts roll off to bother someone else -- especially when, out of the corner of my eye, I spot more ripples.

I look, but the surface is as smooth as glass.

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