Missing Manual: What to Do (Life)

If Life came with an Owner's Manual, all the pages would be blank.

That comes as a bit of problem when you hit a crossroads and you just have no clue as to which path might be the right one, the more correct path, and the one that leads to a spike-filled pit. Besides being devoid of text, Life: The Owner's Manual also lacks proper maps. And really, I'd settle for a simple contour map, something I can point to and say to myself, "Here, this is the high point then there's a bit of a valley then a bit of a plateau..." and plan things around those highs and lows and in-between parts.

But because the pages are empty, you never know if the path you're on is leading to a pointy demise or a fun Friday night with the ghosts of celebrities from the 1920's.

Clues can be found, of course -- a wagon with a broken axle or a bag of money or a fluffy pillow -- but one would have to observe and pay attention to such clues because maybe it's not too late to run back down the road you've travelled and try another path.

Life is no LucasArts adventure game, where I can wander in and out of conversations and situations with the knowledge that there's no way I can make a wrong move. Life is more like a Sierra adventure game, where I can miss some crucial step along the way and simply stop progressing or worse, die. (I'm looking at you Leisure Suit Larry II and your damn spinach dip!) Imagine if you were standing in line at the bank and because you forgot to go to the bathroom before getting in line your bladder explodes. Life is kind of like that: it makes no sense and you'll occasionally soil yourself.

So, anyway, Life is going to happen. It's immutable and forever pushing us forward (or pulling us, depending on your point of view) and if we don't make the choices, explore the forks, we simply get run over by Life's size 14 boots.

I don't even know what the hell I'm typing any more. All I can say, is that there are choices and you need to make them. Not making a choice is worse than making the wrong choice. And that the blank Owner's Manual gets filled in along the way with the past and present -- no matter how many pages you flip forward, they'll still be blank.

For the Record...

Just wanted to put this "on the record" as far as this blog goes because it's one of the pieces of writing I'm most proud of simply because it seemed to distil -- at least in my own mind -- the complete run of CGW/GFW Radio (on the 1UP Network) in a handful of paragraphs. This was written for the CGW/GFW Radio Reunion at PAX Prime in 2009 to introduce the cast:

A man who flew to Seattle on a flaming burrito,
And woke up on the bathroom floor only minutes ago,
The Peggle-code begging Lord of the Rings himself

JEFF GREEN 

Creator of the Monopoly scoring system for PC games
And the "This but this" format of game reviewing,
Getting ready for Frodo's birthday, the real Tingle

SEAN MOLLOY

A dolphin that can sing like a chicken,
Straight from Chernobyl with the bruises to prove it
George Lucas's worst nightmare, it's

ROBERT ASHLEY

The quiet one with a burning hatred of Mark Millar
And snack machines around the world,
Direct from Dharmaville, Hell Yeah! it's

RYAN SCOTT

A prankster with a degree in giving customers the pickle
Straight out of a Second Life acid trip, chomping on candy,
The Punisher of video games, he's here to protect you

SHAWN ELLIOTT

Reviews and Sundry

I've posted my positive review of Alan Wake's American Nightmare and I have to admit that I'm still thinking about the game. That tends to be a hallmark of a good game for me. Do I think about it when I'm not playing it? Do I wish I was playing it rather than writing about it? That's what a good (maybe even great) game is to me.

I'm running into this with SSX at the moment. The review is mostly written but I'd rather be playing it. I started writing the review last night and I couldn't remember the name of one of the modes so I jumped into the game to verify.

It was a verification process that took two solid hours because, hey, you can never be too sure about something.

Also, the scene at this link is from "Watchmen" and was filmed mere blocks from my house. There's a ton of CG involved, but that cemetery actually exists.

My Weekend (If I'm Lucky)

SSX landed on my desk yesterday and I couldn't tear into it fast enough. It has been a very long time since I last played an SSX game and the original game was actually one of the first titles The Armchair Empire ever received for review right around the launch of the PS2. (The other was NHL Hockey.) In fact, I actually had to rent a PS2 -- Remember when video rental places did that? Remember when there were video rental places? -- so it could be reviewed.

While there's an embargo up preventing any opinion from leaking out -- it could be construed as a "review" -- I have to say it was great to see the SSX logo appear on the screen.

I've said too much already!

But I hope to spend a great number of hours with SSX this weekend ahead of the review embargo lifting.

Alan Wake's American Nightmare: Early Impressions

So, I'm about halfway through the story of Alan Wake's American Nightmare -- from what I can tell -- and I'm really having fun with it.

It does exactly what I wanted it to do. Answer some questions, present new ones, fill in some blanks, and pay homage to the likes of that one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the Enterprise-D is stuck in a time loop, X-Files, LOST, among many other sources. And even though it does all that, it still doesn't actually answer very much or at least doesn't spoon feed the players the answers to what's actually happening. Instead it allows the player to draw some of their own conclusions; write their own fiction as to why things are happening the way they are. Has Alan has actually escaped the cabin under the lake back to the real world years after the events of the first game and he's just gone batshit insane? Are the TVs and radios conduits to the real world? Is his nemesis, Mr. Scratch, living in Alan's head or is Alan living in Mr. Scratch's head? Am I just over-thinking the whole thing? Probably. But that's part of the appeal of Alan Wake, at least for me.

The Cosby Show

I've been watching The Cosby Show the last few days and the difference between the recent and current crop of family sitcoms is a giant trench of quality. The Cosby Show holds up even if the series had its debut in the early '80s. Do you think anyone will remember Full House or Family Matters or Home Improvement in another ten years? I really think they won't.

But the biggest difference I've seen with The Cosby Show -- and this is a perspective that almost 14 years of marriage and 5 kids have provided -- is that the father, Cliff Huxtable, is no wimp. He's not afraid of disciplining his children. And while he exhibits a certain amount of playfulness with and understanding for his children, he's also not afraid to smack them back into line (in the figurative sense, because he doesn't actually beat any of the kids). He cares about his kids. He wants them to grow up and be successful -- not only with a career but as responsible human beings.

In the very first episode, his son explains why he "just wants to be regular people" in a long speech to defend his poor grades and why he doesn't actually need to try that hard. The audience claps in reaction -- as if the kid has upstaged and out-witted his father.

"Theo," Cliff says, briefest of pauses, "That is the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard!"

Cliff Huxtable is no dummy. Can the same be said of Carl Winslow, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, Danny Tanner (and the insipid Joey and Uncle Jesse), or hell even the dad from ALF, Willie Tanner? No. These other TV dads are simply brow beaten and continually out-witted by the children they're supposed to be raising. (And in one case, by his children and an alien.) Creating a strong father role wouldn't float on television today for the simple reason that smart-ass kids are the norm and parental guidance goes about as far as instructing their kids not to smoke marijuana in the house because for some reason it seems that a lot of parents today would rather be friends with their kids rather than an authority with the responsibility of getting their kids to a stage in their life where (hopefully) they use the life lessons you've taught them to take care of themselves. And not only them, but their spouse, kids, friends, co-workers, humanity at large, etc. Give them the tools; teach them how to use them!

It's astounding to me that it was re-watching a 1980's sitcom that got me on this rant.

And Mom and Dad, thanks! Raising kids is rough business and that's not something I understood when I was growing up. But now that I am where I am, I think I'm beginning to understand it.

Trying for an Official AE Logo

I really need someone with modicum of design talent to take the basic idea presented above and make something awesome with it. I want something that's mostly "basic" so that it's instantly recognizable in profile.

Also, the "ball" the chair is cracking into is supposed to be Earth. Sketching landmasses would have stretched my doodling ability to the breaking point.